Setting:
A Panel Discussion on Religious Differences, a table with chairs and microphones.
At Rise:
The MC is introducing the panelists
MC
In this time of chaos, natural disasters, and unrest, there are many people who are looking for answers about what is to come. To that end, we have assembled a panel of some of the most respected religious figures to try to answer the question, “What happens at the end of time?”
Each member of the panel stands as he is introduced.
MC
First we have JOSEPH SMITH, the prophet of the Mormon people.
JOSPEH SMITH stands and then recovers his seat, haughty.
MC
And here we have Rebbe Schneerson, the last Rebbe of the Lubavicher people.
REBBE SCHNEERSON stands and nods his head at the audience, very slightly but full of respect.
MC
Thank you Rebbe, and we also have the Reverand Jerry Falwell
FALWELL doesn’t stand, just looks with loathing at his fellow panelists.
MC
And finally, we have from the Nation of Islam, The Honorable Mr. Elijah Muhammad
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD stands, gives a little bow, and speaks in a quiet yet powerful voice.
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD
Thank you, I hope by attending this panel, I can help to empower the black man to overthrow his white oppressors and accept Allah as God.
JOSEPH SMITH
[Indignant and Holier than Thou]
The African will never become a priesthood holder in the one true religion. The Second book of Nephi clearly states, “And thus saith the Lord God; I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.”
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD
[Anger hiding behind a forced calm]
It is because of the white devils like you that the black man has been kept from achieving his true destiny! This is what Allah and the Nation of Islam teaches the black man, to take what is rightfully his.
MC
We aren’t meant to get into a finger pointing match today Mr. Muhammad. Mr Smith? You do know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints began ordaining African Americans into the Priesthood in the late 1970’s… right?
JOSEPH SMITH
That mockery of the one True religion? Pah. Those imposters broke the covenant I made with God when Moroni gave me the plates of the Nephites.
MC
What do you mean by that Joseph? I can call you Joseph? Can’t I?
JOSEPH SMITH
Call me whatever you want. God knows my true name. And I mean that those so called members of the Mormon faith who gave up the practice of plural marriage are not members of the one true faith.
REBBE SCHNEERSON
God does not desire above all else large families. God desires his people to obtain a unity between heart and mind. Without this unity, no matter how big the family, God does not give special preference as you seem to believe.
MC
Rebbe Schneerson there are some who say that you are the Jewish messiah, what makes you different from the other Lubavich Rebbes that have come before you, and why are you the last?
REBBE SCHNEERSON
I did not seek to become the Messiah, and indeed I do not believe I am such, as for why I am the last Lubavich Rebbe, I can only assume that because such a cult of Messianism has been built up around me, they did not wish to name another Rebbe.
JERRY FALWELL
[Angry and Loud]
Now stop it right there! There is but one Messiah and his name is Jesus Christ. You and your people killed him over two thousand years ago. For you and your kind to declare another Messiah is heresy and against God! I won’t stand for it. The end of days is near, and the…
MC
Now we’re not here to call each other names.
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD
Indeed, as much as I am enjoying watching the white man tear each other down, we are here are we not to discuss the after life?
MC
You are correct Mr. Muhammad. Why don’t you start? What does the Nation of Islam teach about the end of days?
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD
Our God made incarnate Wallace Fard teaches that there is no life after this one, Heaven and Hell are here in this life, not places to go after death.
JOSEPH SMITH
What a sad religion that is, to not be able to be with your friends and family in eternity. God teaches us through the writings of the Angel Moroni that those who follow his word, and live according to his rules will live with him forever in the Celestial Kingdom, along with those members of our families who we are sealed to for eternity. But you and your ‘religion’ – your eternity makes me weep with sorrow. You will never know the joy of living forever in God’s presence.
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD
The Devil calls me and my religion ‘sad’ – of course. The devil has always wanted to keep the black man down, to keep us from achieving our rightful greatness.
JOSEPH SMITH
It is not us keeping you and your ‘people’ down. If you are not achieving greatness, it is because the African is inferior to God’s chosen people. Even if you were to embrace the word of the Latterday Saints… you would still be inferior.
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD
Every word you say is false!
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD lunges at JOSEPH SMITH, beginning a Jerry Springer-esque fist fight, including rolling around on the ground under the table. They bump into REBBE SCHNEERSON who shakily gets to his feet.
REBBE SCHNEERSON
Gentlemen, Gentlemen. Our purpose in being here is to provide a well rounded view of religion and our differences in views. Not to be school children, addressing our differences with our fists instead of words.
JERRY FALWELL snorts dismissively
JERRY FALWELL
Listen to you, trying once again to put yourself up as the Messiah, instead of the murderer that you are, you and your people killed the true Messiah! I can’t believe that you have the nerve to stand there and preach as if you aren’t descended from Christ Killers!
Chaos is ensuing, ELIJAH MUHAMMAD and JOSEPH SMITH continue fighting on the ground, yelling at eachother, incomprehensible invective. JERRY FALWELL and REBBE SCHNEERSON square off against each other, SCHNEERSON refusing to lower himself to FALWELL’s ad hominem attacks. The MC is trying to restore order when a STAGEHAND rushes onto the stage, handing the MC a piece of paper. Above the ruckus, we hear-
MC
Really? He’s really here?
The STAGEHAND nods frantically and then retreats from the stage.
MC
GENTLEMEN!
Nobody is listening or paying any attention. The MC creates feedback from her microphone, everyone stops, holding their heads.
MC (Continued)
Thank you. I just was informed that we have a special guest with us here. Can we get him to come out here?
There’s a brief black out and when the lights return, there is a man standing on the stage, dressed as a hobo, yet all of his clothes are white, and surprisingly clean looking.
MC (Continued)
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce… the one and only God!
The rest of the panelists have returned to their seats and can only stare in shock.
GOD
Thank you for welcoming me here. Yes… I am God. I understand that this … hubbub is all about who’s religion is right about the after life and the chosen people… am I correct?
ELIJAH MUHAMMAD
Allah Ackbar!
JERRY FALWELL
The RAPTURE IS UPON US!
GOD
Well… I’m sorry to hear that you’ve all put so much into your own ideas… because I’m sorry to tell you that you’re all wrong.
Everyone is stunned, JERRY FALWELL falls out of his chair.
GOD
Yes… actually the Rapture has actually already occurred…
JERRY FALWELL
Was it last May? I was already dead, so I couldn’t be raptured, but I’m sure it was last May…
GOD
Jerry, you wouldn’t have been raptured anyways, even if it was last May. The chosen people were the bees.
EVERYONE (except GOD)
The BEES?
GOD
Why yes! Didn’t anyone wonder what happened to them? They all just started disappearing?
JOSEPH SMITH
We all thought that it had something to do with cell phones…
GOD
No! No, they’re building hives and making honey in heaven now.
JERRY FALWELL
But Lord, I’ve been your most loyal follower, I’ve hated all the right people…. Why not me?
GOD
The bees are the perfect people, the chosen people! They work for a common goal, the betterment of the group, without thought as to personal gain or pain… plus I really like honey.
There is another brief blackout. When the lights return, GOD is gone, and everyone is staring at where he was standing
REBBE SCHNEERSON
Well Shit.
BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.
Good dark comedy. Satirizing America's religious culture can be both easy (some people do genuinely act ridiculous) and hard (trying to put a new spin on a concept that's been parodied so much already). The panel discussion setup works because it lets you poke fun at each individual religious faction and at panel shows in general (any "discussion" on FOXNEWS would probably turn into a fistfight if people weren't in separate studios). I also like the bees idea because it turns the notion of a chosen "people" on its head. Good work.
ReplyDeleteI think this will work well if you really do emphasize the comedic aspect- sort of like how South Park does, so that you can never mistake their satire as serious. Of course, even then, people will still be offended, but I enjoy a good religious piece and there's definitely an audience.
ReplyDeleteElijah, Joseph, and Jerry are all good examples of people who take the rules so far they no longer understand them! There's a lot of those people out there. Maybe this could be used for some social constructive criticism.
When Elijah and Joseph actually get down to the topic mentioned at the head of the piece, and start arguing, I really want someone to step in and say that their ideas are obviously not mutually exclusive... that there can be a Heaven and Hell right here in this real present moment, and that we are also eternal- but that person might actually be making sense and derail your piece from its silliness. I don't know who would say it- although I imagine it would be easy enough for everyone to go back to arguing, really- those two are very eager to defend their chosen idiom and could easily dismiss that person with, "your hermeneutic is flawed!" and so forth.
I also like the bees. Great, ridiculous way to end it... although it makes me a little horrified for the universe you've set up, wherein automaton cells of a whole, with no self-awareness, free will, or individual goals- just beings with hive mind- are the chosen ones... *shudder*.
Right away, I should point out what everyone else has said: the ending is HYSTERICAL, and works really well in the established context. However, what I think could be improved would be the interactions between the characters leading up to it. Most of them talked as if they were writing a speech-which could work in another place besides a panel discussion. Also, they didn't seem to have much personality besides what their religion is and who they hate, which is a joke that wears out quickly. As crazy as some of their beliefs are, these people obviously had enough charisma to attract several followers; expanding on these larger-than-life characters could lead to better, more intelligent jokes.
ReplyDelete