So I missed my deadline by a few days. Sorry guys. I will catch up and and give you the comments you deserve tomorrow and monday. I've just been a combination of sick and busy and it is screwing me. Anyway, here is my re-write. (Eric you may recognize this as I think I had you perform the monologue version once)
http://explodingrabbits.blogspot.com/2012/03/52-week-project-week-3-road-to-west-re.html
I do remember the monologue version. The words are still evocative, and I like the new staging with the "Dame in Red." Nice film noir-ish atmosphere (I imagined a mournful sax and piano duet as I read). The only bit that I think needs some tweaking is the abusive father part; it kind of popped out of nowhere and made me start thinking about her backstory when the focus should be more on the narrator's thoughts on losing her. Adding a reference to her father earlier in the piece would make the last mention of him feel less jarring.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty much in agreement with Eric here. The words work well- especially the lines the Dame and Man share, which got me thinking- and the atmosphere is effective. But yeah, either lose the abusive father part, bring it up earlier, or have it subtly implied. Putting it at the end really feels like you either withheld crucial information from us earlier or just need a lazy possible reason for her death.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other two. Just want to say it is a lovely piece. The way you've written it allows me to feel their pain.
ReplyDelete