This Actually Happened: This Sounds Crazy, But Trust Me

I usually don't like to do this, but I like how this No Shame Skit turned out. Here ya go:

NARRATOR: The following story will be presented as it was reported in this article (holds up article). Some dialogue and events have been fabricated. It’ll sound absolutely bonkers, but trust me on this one.

TRICIA PERKINSON enters, talking on a phone.

TRICIA PERKINSON: Hello, 911! My neighbor’s house is on fire! Please help us, we’re in North Knoxville, across from the school! (nods) Yes? (nods) Oh thank you!

She puts down the phone and runs to the other side of the stage. STEPHEN FORTHMAN, wearing a “I don’t dial 911” shirt, walks in backwards, shooting behind him and screaming obscenities. SOUND EFFECT MAN, seated in the audience, makes firing noises with each pull of STEPHEN’S gun’s trigger.

TRICIA PERKINSON: Stephen? Oh, Stephen, thank god you’re alive! I’m sorry, your house is long gone by now, we have to get out of here!

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: (ignoring her, still shooting and screaming) YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE YOU COCKSUCKING SONS OF BITCHES! THAT’S MY FUCKING HOUSE!

TRICIA PERKINSON: … Stephen, are you trying to shoot the fire away?

STEPHEN continues to shout obscenities and fire in front of him. Eventually, a FIREMAN comes in.

FIREMAN: Madam, we need you to move!

TRICIA PERKINSON runs out.

FIREMAN: Sir, step away from the fire!

STEPHEN is still shooting and screaming away. Eventually, FIREMAN tries to restrain him, which STEPHEN FORTHMAN resists.

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: NO! I AIN’T GONNA NEED NO FUCKING COPPERS! GGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

STEPHEN’S NARRATOR: Excuse me!

All action onstage freezes. STEPHEN’S NARRATOR, also wearing a “I don’t dial 911” shirt, enters.

STEPHEN’S NARRATOR: (shy) I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately. First, yes, this is me (points to STEPHEN), Stephen Forthman, the guy with the “I don’t dial 911” shirt. Sometimes I get mad. I don’t even mind the loss of my house that much anymore: bridge under the water, and so forth. But everyone’s asking why I tried to shoot out my fire. It’s a long story.

Everyone but STEPHEN’S NARRATOR leaves.

STEPHEN’S NARRATOR: We’ve always liked guns, my ma and pa and I. One of the earliest pictures they have is of me and my favorite pacifier: an unloaded Stoner M63. L was good, too: I could snipe a tin can from a mile away, which was something we did nearly every Saturday. I’d always laugh when Pa painted the cans red and cried, “AAAAAHHHH!! Ya got me!” in his Commie voice when I hit it: it was worth the passerby glares.

                  Of course, the cops did a search when I was eight and took off with all the guns.  Dad didn’t have guns anymore, so we didn’t have Saturdays anymore. Instead, Dad took to drinking every Saturday night. It eventually became every night… we didn’t know what to do. He didn’t make it to my tenth birthday.

                  I know it seems kind of sad, but I don’t mind it. He had this quote, this piece of immortality he told me whenever I got too shy. “Son, you don’t have to fear fear. Your fear can make you strong.” So that’s where his mark on Earth is. He might’ve believed in a Christian God, but I figure Lord Darwin has a place for him in his heart too.

                  So I have this on my mind by the time I’m ten and a month and I’m starting to fall for those feminine tricks I’ve been told about. Mary Louise kept sending me notes and acting very cute, and I didn’t know what to do.

MARY LOUISE and a shyer, younger STEPHEN FORTHMAN enter.

MARY LOUISE: WHY ain’t you readin’ my notes? Do ya think I’m ugly or something?

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: I don’t know…

MARY LOUISE: Don’t ya ever talk to ANYONE?

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: I don’t know…

MARY LOUISE: … are ya homo or something?

STEPHEN FORTHMAN:  I don’t think so…

MARY LOUISE: Well, if you ain’t homo, you gotta ask me out on a date! It’s the law! C’mon Stevie, don’t ya like me?  Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

STEPHEN’S NARRATOR: And then it hit me. I’ve been letting my fear take over me and turn me into a whimp my entire life, when I could be an Emperor by my might alone. I just needed some way to cope with my fears. The answer came to me in an angelic light…

STEPHEN FORTHMAN pulls out his gun and points it in the air.

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: FUCK THIS SHIT!

He fires wildly into the air, accompanied by SOUND EFFECTS MAN’s gunshot noises. MARY LOUISE runs away shrieking while STEPHEN FORTHMAN continues screaming and running in circles, eventually offstage.

STEPHEN’S NARRATOR: That began a partnership that’s lasted until now. I never went back to a school after that, but that’s ok. They were trying to get me to join a crowd. I don’t care what anybody says, shooting like that felt good. Ma didn’t even mind that I took her gun, she was crying so hard.

                  For the next couple of ten-years more, my shyness never got the best of me. When I became anxious, I just went with the flow. From the biggest problems…

By this point, STEPHEN FORTHMAN and MS. FORTHMAN are both sitting down at a table and looking over some pieces of paper.

MS. FORTHMAN:  I don’t know, hunny. We just don’t have enough for the taxman this year.

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: (standing up) FUCKING LITTLE FACIST SHITS!

He starts shooting at the paper, accompanied by SOUND EFFECTS MAN’s gunshot noises. MRS. FORTHMAN screams in shock and runs out.

STEPHEN’S NARRATOR: … to the most annoying ones.

STEPHEN FORTHMAN, now in a different scene, searches for something.

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty… c’mon, the wife will be very upset if you’re not found… c’mon kitty… kitty… kitty… (draws gun) YOU’RE GONNA SHOW YOUR FUCKING FACE YOU BITCH ASS FART CUNT!

STEPHEN FORTHMAN runs around screaming obscenities and shooting everything, accompanied by SOUND EFFECTS MAN’s gunshot noises. He eventually runs offstage.

STEPHEN’S NARRATOR: There were some troubles, though. In 2002, my brother-in-law Bobby came by to tell me my wife was skipping town. I don’t mind that part, I just don’t get why the brother-in-law was wearing full body armor at the time. What, was she scared or something? I’ve never harmed anyone before, I’m too good of a shot. Anyways, Bobby was nice, though, and wanted to support me, since I always got nervous at job interviews. Couldn’t always trust him, though…

By this point, BROTHER-IN-LAW is sitting on a chair, reading a book, while STEPHEN FORTHMAN holds his chest in pain.

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: Owwwww…

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Will you quit it already! I gave you some Advil, it’ll go away soon!

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: It’s not workin’! Ohhh, I think it might be fatal.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Look, just wait it out! You can’t fix everything right away, you know!

STEPHEN FORTHMAN: Don’t tell me what to do!

Struck by an idea, STEPHEN FORTHMAN pulls out his gun, looks at it, looks at his chest, looks at the gun, looks up to the audience, and gives them a big, toothy grin.

STEPHEN’S NARRATOR: Well I proved him wrong. My trusty gun showed him there was something wrong with me right away.

                  Not much else happened until today, when I saw the fire in my house and naturally took that old gun to it. I hope this answers any questions you have. Next time I see you, I hope to have taken several acres in Darwin’s name. Just remember: Your fear can make you strong.

NARRATOR: Moral of the Story: This article (holds up article), upon further investigation, was from a parody site. Many newspapers were fooled, just as you and I were. But this fable’s plausibility speaks volumes about the world we live in… Happy Halloween.

BLACKOUT. NARRATOR lets loose an evil laugh once the lights go out.

Two New Poems

I Know You
There are so few times when I see you
really trying to listen to me.   
The times when you stop trying are the times
when I need to you to hear me the most.
You think I don’t realize what you really think,
that you’re not sorry for the things you did,
that all you show me is just a front,
that your heart is half-empty   

I know you can see and hear but choose to ignore.
I know you can tell the truth if you decide it suits you.
I know you can be kind and gentle when you want to be.
And I know you cannot tell that I know all these things.

Inside or Outside 
You look back at the warm light of the window
with a perplexed expression,
as if you’re not sure you were ever really in there yourself,
wondering if what you recollect
was only a dream that just seemed real.
You were inside just a moment ago,
but now you are outside in the cold,
and that feels more real than anything now.

 

 

Copyright (C) 2012 by Eric Landuyt

 

The Greatest Villains: Act I, Scene III

Scene III

Full lights up. SOLOMON and JC walk across the stage in front of a closed curtain.

JC: So explain it ta me one mo’ time.

SOLOMON: It’s really rather simple. The devil uses gold to do evil acts, right?

JC: Yeah…

SOLOMON: The less gold he has, the less evil he can do.

JC: Yeah…

SOLOMON: So if I take the gold from him, the less evil he can do.

JC: Yeah…

SOLOMON: So I’m really doing a good deed!

JC: Oh I get it now!

SOLOMON: You see?

JC: That’s tha worst excuse I’ve ever heard!

SOLOMON: …yeah…

JC: Face it, buddy: there’s a difference between bein’ wise and avoidin’ the truth. Ya just in it for tha money.

SOLOMON: But I’m the king! I need the money!

JC: Why, didja second Jacuzzi break down?

SOLOMON: Well of cour… wait, no!

JC: I thought so. (Looks at map) We should be close ta our first target ‘ere.

SOLOMON: Really? But it says there would be a very popular…

The curtain pulls back to show a wrestling ring surrounded by a large crowd of fans (at least 30 people) screaming and cheering.

SOLOMON: … wrestling ring here.

SOLOMON and JC blend in with the crowd. “Unstable,” (The Ultimate Warrior’s theme) by Jim Johnston, begins to play as an ANNOUNCER steps up to the center of the ring. Spot on ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and patriarchs are you ready for a good time!?

Someone in the back holds up a ‘Cheer!’ sign, and the audience goes wild cheering.

ANNOUNCER: I can’t hear you! I said are you ready for a good time?!?!

‘Cheer!’ sign is held up, and the audience somehow becomes louder than it already is.

ANNOUNCER: I still can’t… hang on. (Pulls out a hearing aid) I knew I forgot something (puts on hearing aid). So, you guys ready for a good time?

‘Cheer!’ sign is held up, and the audience reaches a zenith on volume.

ANNOUNCER: Ow! That’s way too loud! I should’ve bought those earplugs. Anyways, in this corner, weighing in at 470 pounds of pure muscle… he’s the champion of an evil army and is angry because he can’t fit in his bathtub… give it up for… GOLIATH!

GOLIATH, a humongous fellow with a bump on his head and clothing too small for him, enters inside the wrestling ring. The ‘Boo!’ sign in held up by a person nearby the ‘Cheer!’ guy, and the audience promptly boos him.

ANNOUNCER: And in this corner, weighing in at 66 pounds… he’s just a good ol’ boy who’s wandered into the big leagues by accident… give it up for… DAVID!

DAVID, a short and shifty kid, enters the ring. The ‘Cheer!’ sign is held up and the audience goes wild. Spot off. The music fades out, and a bell goes ‘DING!’ to signal the start of the match. DAVID and GOLITH circle around the ring for a bit, facing each other. GOLIATH acts menacing and mean while DAVID acts meek. GOLIATH lunges at DAVID and misses. He tries again, then misses, with the audience gasping and cheering for DAVID appropriately as the match goes on. Suddenly, DAVID grabs a rock on the side of the ring (a rock the size of his head) and launches the rock at the back of GOLIATH’s head while the big guy poses for a booing audience. GOLIATH, upon impact, topples over, and the audience cheers in sync with the ‘Cheer!’ sign.

ANNOUNCER: Amazing! Now that’s something you don’t see every day! David has hit Goliath with a rock, thus winning the match! Thank you all, you’ve been a wonderful audience, no refunds!

The audience (except for SOLOMON and JC) mingles out as the ANNOUNCER grabs a water bottle and gives it to a panting and tired DAVID. GOLIATH leans on the ropes and closes his eyes for a bit.

ANNOUNCER: (to DAVID) Perfect as always! Remember, we have another show in fifteen minutes. Be ready!

Both DAVID and GOLIATH leave the ring.

ANNOUNCER: Hey Goliath! (Very slowly and intending to insult) Be… (Points to self) back... (Points to his back) fifteen minutes (shows fifteen with his fingers). That should get through your pea-sized brain!

DAVID: (to GOLIATH, talking to him as if he were a dog) Yeah, boy! I’m gonna kick your butt again! Yes I am! Yes I am!

GOLIATH takes this abuse with his head down, slouched over. He goes to sit on a bench as the ANNOUNCER and DAVID leave. SOLOMON and JC approach.

SOLOMON: (to JC) I’ll take care of this. (Goes over to GOLIATH) Hello…(waves hand) I… (Points to self) come… (Walks in place) in peace!  (Flashes peace sign)

GOLIATH: (coldly) Without meaning to be confrontational, I have had enough presumptions leading to drawn-out vocabulary for one day.

SOLOMON: Umm…

GOLIATH: I cannot wait for the shame you’ll feel when you tell others Goliath is smarter than you.

JC: We got an offa ta make ta ya.

GOLIATH: Hmmm… what is this offer?

SOLOMON hands over the letter. GOLIATH takes the letter and begins scanning over it. JC beckons SOLOMON over, and both of them move over to another part of the stage.

JC: Listen, man, you gotta apologize.

SOLOMON: For what?

JC: For what? For treatin’ Goliath like a fool, that’s what!

SOLOMON: Why?

JC: ‘Cause we’re askin’ him ta do a favor! If ya want people ta respect ya (and I hear ya needin’ that ‘round some parts), then ya gotta respect them!

SOLOMON: … I suppose that makes sense.

JC: It better. (Smiles) I keep hearin’ ya were an authority on things makin’ sense.

They walk back to GOLIATH, who’s staring at the letter in puzzlement.

JC: So… what do ya say?

GOLIATH: I cannot read.

SOLOMON: Oh, predictable!

GOLIATH: You did not let me finish. I cannot read without my glasses. You, sir, are becoming predictable.

SOLOMON: You could have told us that!

GOLIATH: (defensively) But you told me to read it and implied I was to do it now and here! What else could I do?

SOLOMON: That makes no sense!

GOLIATH: I am sorry… I keep becoming distracted by these massive headaches of late. (Rubs the part of the head that got hit by DAVID) It truly is a mystery…

JC: Well, it’s an offer for a car ya just won. We’re gonna take ya to it.

GOLIATH: Hmmm… how do I know it is a car in pristine condition? Why didn’t you bring it with you? And why was I chosen for this offer? Lastly, did you really think you could outwit me, the champion of my people?

SOLOMON: No. (steps in between GOLIATH and JC) I’m sorry I treated you like an idiot before, but I will not continue a lie. The devil wants to organize former villains in order to create a team to wreck havoc upon earth for revenge. We’re rounding up everyone. Are you interested in joining us?

GOLIATH spends a good time in thought over this. Then…

GOLIATH: … I do not think I can join you, though I wish to thank you for your understanding. My job requires my presence here.

SOLOMON: You… like that job?

GOLIATH: No, but it is a safe one.

JC: But David…

SOLOMON AND GOLIATH: That’s not David.

JC: … huh?

SOLOMON: David’s my father. If he’s too old to be king anymore, he’s not hanging around here.

GOLIATH: That is true. My opponent is just an actor, as I wish people to think of me as. We’re hired to replay the unfortunate events of several years ago for the audience’s entertainment… including my loss.

JC: But you’re Goliath. Surely…

GOLIATH: That is what I try to tell them! I am Goliath the Mighty! I defeated hundreds in single combat, and I wasn’t even trying those times! Years later, that farm-boy is sitting in a retirement home, and I’m still fighting every day!

SOLOMON: That’s beside the point. How did you get stuck like this?

GOLIATH: My name alone scared off all the other employers. The fact that most people don’t realize I was just knocked out, instead of dead, scares them as well.

SOLOMON: There weren’t any friends to help?

GOLIATH: My opponent and the announcer are friends enough. I do what they want, and they give me a reward of some sort. It worked with my drill sergeant.

SOLOMON: Excuse me. (Takes JC aside) I can’t compete with a mind that warped. Let’s move on.

JC: C’mon… is that tha Solomon of Old? Is this not tha man who saved lives with his wisdom? Who sought ta help others? Who asked God fa wisdom, not fa personal gain, but ta help His people?

SOLOMON: … that was a long time ago.

JC: We live in a world where Goliath does pro-wrestling and biblical heroes talk about Justin Beiber. Do ya think time matters at all here?

SOLOMON: What on earth are you… (An idea pops into his head that he wrestles with mentally for a bit) … I think I have it!

SOLOMON returns over to GOLIATH on the bench

SOLOMON: Goliath, are we friends?

GOLIATH: Of course not! We just met.

SOLOMON: Your ‘friends’ back there give you money and scorn. I give you respect and truth. Isn’t that a better gift to give as a friend?

GOLIATH: … I suppose so…

SOLOMON: When did I start treating you like a friend?

GOLIATH: When you told me the truth about the letter.

SOLOMON: That’s close… it’s when I responded to the truth about you.

“Unstable,” begins playing again, and a crowd arrives, lead by DAVID and ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER: Hey blockhead, what part of fifteen minutes did you not understand?!

GOLIATH prepares to leave.

SOLOMON: You must get your old glory back. These men are not friends.

GOLIATH: But what can I do?

SOLOMON whispers something into GOLIATH’s ear.

GOLIATH: … I hope you know what you are doing.

GOLIATH runs over to his place in the ring, as everyone else is already in position. Spot on ANNOUNCER

ANNOUNCER: In this corner, weighing in at “I broke the scale,” pounds… a man whose limited vocabulary consists of ‘kill’ and ‘more cake’… give it up for… GOLIATH!

The ‘Boo!’ sign is held up, and everyone boos but a cheering SOLOMON and JC.

ANNOUNCER: And in this corner, weighing in at 66 pounds… he’s just a good ol’ boy with a heart of gold… give it up for … DAVID!

DAVID enters the ring. The ‘Cheer!’ sign is held up and the audience goes wild but a silent SOLOMON and JC. Spot off. The music fades out, and a bell goes ‘DING!’ to signal the start of the match. DAVID and GOLITH circle around the ring for a bit, facing each other. GOLIATH acts meek while DAVID acts menacing and mean. GOLIATH give two half-hearted swings at DAVID that miss, with the audience gasping and cheering when appropriate. DAVID grabs the replaced rock and launches it at GOLIATH while GOLIATH’s back is turned. Suddenly, GOLIATH catches the rock before it hits him! The audience is stunned silent.

ANNOUNCER: Amazing! Now that’s something you don’t see every day! David has hit Goliath… (Begins to notice the silence) with a rock… (Turns around, notices GOLIATH) thus… losing?

DAVID: Why you little…

DAVID begins taking angry, wild, and completely out of previous character swings at GOLIATH while shouting incomprehensible insults. The crowd begins to gasp at each attack, horrified with the truth about DAVID. Eventually, DAVID charges at GOLIATH, which GOLIATH easily stops by holding his hand out and pushing against DAVID’s head as DAVID runs in place. The crowd is silent, terrified.

DAVID: You twerp, you think you can take my show away!? I’ll kill you! I’ll bury you in your own fat! I’ll make you eat that small brain of yours!

GOLIATH pushes DAVID on the ground and stands above him, rock held high above his head.

GOLIATH: I believe the saying goes, “Eat this!”

He chucks the rock at DAVID’s head, which promptly knocks him out. The audience is stunned and still silent. Eventually, the ‘Cheer!’ sign guy shrugs and holds up his sign. Queen’s “We are the Champions” plays at 1:51, and the crowd cheers wildly. The ANNOUNCER’s jaw looks like it will hit the floor. GOLIATH stands in the center of the ring, amazed at this reversal of fortune, and then showing gratitude to a higher power as the crowd begins chanting his name. This chanting continues (albeit a bit softer) as GOLIATH leaves the ring and meets up with SOLOMON and JC.

SOLOMON: You did it! You acted like the real David.

GOLIATH: The credit belongs to you. You acted like a friend.

They start walking off as music slowly fades out and lights slowly fade to black. End Scene.

The Greatest Villains: Act I, Scene I and II

So begins my foray into a jukebox musical for an all-ages audience. Any feedback is appreciated.

Start Music: ‘Freewill,’ by Rush, 0:00

Lights up on Stage

The stage is set up as a rich palace. Two SOLOISTS enter, dancers begin as the music begins and dance until the end of the song. Spot on each soloist when they sing.

SOLOIST 1: THERE ARE THOSE WHO THINK THAT

         LIFE IS NOTHING LEFT TO CHANCE

         A HOST OF HOLY HORRORS

         TO DIRECT OUR AIMLESS DANCE

SOLOIST 2: A PLANET OF PLAYTHINGS,

         WE DANCE ON THE STRINGS

         OF POWERS WE CANNOT PERCEIVE.

         “THE STARS AREN’T ALIGNED,

         OR THE GODS ARE MALIGN,”-

         BLAME IS BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE.

CHORUS: YOU CAN CHOOSE A READY GUIDE

         IN SOME CELESTIAL VOICE.

         IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE

         YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE!

         YOU CAN CHOOSE FROM PHANTOM FEARS

         AND KINDNESS THAT CAN KILL.

         I WILL CHOOSE A PATH THAT’S CLEAR-

         I WILL CHOOSE FREE WILL.

SOLOMON enters in between the TWO SOLOISTS. His beard drips over the rich clothing covering his fat stomach. Spot on SOLOMAN.

SOLOMON: I am Solomon the Wise. During my reign as king, my policies divided the nation of Israel into Israel and Judah. Needless to say, my re-election campaign is not going well.

SOLOIST 2: THERE ARE THOSE WHO THINK THAT

         THEY WERE DEALT A LOSING HAND,

         THE CARDS WERE STACKED AGAINST THEM-

         THEY WERE BORN IN LOTUS LAND.

SOLOIST 1: ALL PREORDAINED-

         A PRISONER IN CHAINS-

         A VICTIM OF VENOMOUS FATE.

         KICKED IN THE FACE,

         YOU CAN’T PRAY FOR A PLACE

         IN HEAVEN’S UNEARTHLY ESTATE.

CHORUS: YOU CAN CHOOSE A READY GUIDE

         IN SOME CELESTIAL VOICE.

         IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE

         YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE!

         YOU CAN CHOOSE FROM PHANTOM FEARS

         AND KINDNESS THAT CAN KILL.

         I WILL CHOOSE A PATH THAT’S CLEAR-

         I WILL CHOOSE FREE WILL.

Music fades out for 10 seconds. During those ten seconds, all soloists, dancers, and chorus members leave. The only ones on stage after those 10 seconds are SOLOMON and some SERVANTS (who are tidying up and doing odd jobs). It is revealed that a JOURNALIST is interviewing SOLOMON. End scene.

Scene II

SOLOMON: To be honest, none of this is my fault. I’ve only done good for my people; I built temples and saved lives with my wisdom. You walked through Samaria to get here… see how many times you see my name! I took a few luxuries, but I need to make a living too.

JOURNALIST: I see… Just one last question: Any comment on the worsening situation in Judah?

SOLOMON: If they wanted to get away from me so badly, then why should I help? A free sample of the Wisdom of Solomon, with no extra charge.

JOURNALIST: Interesting… well, thank you for your time, Your Majesty. This interview should appear in the next Exposition Weekly.

SOLOMON: Not a problem.

As the JOURNALIST leaves, JC enters. JC walks past servants with confidence and wears thick gloves.

JC: A pleasure ta meets ya, sir! Name’s Caro, Jadau Caro.

SOLOMON: How did you get in here?

JC: Walkin’! I’ve come ta deliver a letta. This is tha residence of Solomon tha Wise, right?

SOLOMON: Correct…

JC: (holding a red letter in front of him) Well, here ya are!

SOLOMON takes the letter and eyes it carefully.

SOLOMON: … there has been a mistake.

JC: Nope! Says ‘Solomon’ right on tha middle. ‘Course, can be hard to tell since ya don’t have a last name, but…

SOLOMON: According to the return address, this letter is from the devil.

JC leans over to look at the envelope.

JC: Huh… so it is!

SOLOMON: Grundy!

A SERVANT approaches.

SOLOMON: Grundy, the devil has begun to make trouble again. We will need divine help. Prepare offerings to The One True God, Yahweh.

SERVANT: Yes sire. Shall I also prepare offerings for The One True God Vishnu, The One True God Buddha, The One True God Zeus, The One True God Odin, The One True God Flying Spaghetti Monster, and The One True God Tom Cruise?

SOLOMON: Of course!

SERVANT: Very good sire.

SERVANT exits.

SOLOMON: (to JC) Are you still here?

JC: Yep! …Are ya gonna open that?

SOLOMON: Yes, but not with you here.

JC: I’m supposed ta watch. Was told ta do so.

SOLOMON: By the devil?

JC: I guess so. Go on then!

SOLOMON opens the letter carefully and reads from it.

SOLOMON: (reading off of the letter) To my dearest friends… bad tidings to you all! I hope everything has been going well, oh wait, it hasn’t. The forces of God have kicked you in the face and have made your lives miserable. I’d hate to say it, but I told you so. After some thinking, I realized that talents like yours shouldn’t go to waste. Together, we can create a force that will undo all that God has worked on. You will be rewarded for your services to me. Meet me in front of the old junkyard, under the pentagram, in person, at midnight on Friday. My servant Jadau Caro will guide you. Forever your master, The Devil.

JC: Well, there ya have it.

SOLOMON: So you work for the devil.

JC: Yep!

SOLOMON: So you’re evil.

JC: Of course not! What’s wrong with ya?

SOLOMON: But you work for the devil.

JC: … well, when ya put it like that…

SOLOMON: There’s been some mistake. I’ve never wronged anybody, and I’m a hero in these lands.

JC: That’s why ya gotta read on.

SOLOMON: (reading off of the letter) P.S.: This part of the letter is for Solomon only, so everyone else back off! Solo, my man, there’s no denying the evils you committed as king. There was nothing you could do about it anyways. You might as well join with people like yourself and stop wallowing in rotting glory. Enclosed is a list of old ‘friends’ of mine, attached to the map. For your cunning and your leadership, I’ve chosen you to champion this quest. Show this letter to those on the list, with the help of Jadau Caro.

(Giving the letter back to JC) I cannot accept this! I am not a bad person!

JC: (reading off of the letter) As a reward for ya services, there will be gold.

SOLOMON: Gold!

JC: (reading off of the letter) Yes, gold. Also, chicks.

SOLOMON: Gold! Gold and Women! Well, I can certainly use more of those. How am I to help others if I don’t help my self first! (To the SERVANTS) I’ll be gone for a week! Take care of this place, and give my regards to all my wives! (To JC) Come, Jacob, let us ride off!

SOLOMON begins to leave.

JC: You’re still not a bad guy?

SOLOMON: Of course not! Now hurry up so I can get my gold from the devil! (Exits)

JC: (to audience) I get that a lot. (Exits)

End Scene, Lights down.