The Greatest Villains: Act I, Scene III

Scene III

Full lights up. SOLOMON and JC walk across the stage in front of a closed curtain.

JC: So explain it ta me one mo’ time.

SOLOMON: It’s really rather simple. The devil uses gold to do evil acts, right?

JC: Yeah…

SOLOMON: The less gold he has, the less evil he can do.

JC: Yeah…

SOLOMON: So if I take the gold from him, the less evil he can do.

JC: Yeah…

SOLOMON: So I’m really doing a good deed!

JC: Oh I get it now!

SOLOMON: You see?

JC: That’s tha worst excuse I’ve ever heard!

SOLOMON: …yeah…

JC: Face it, buddy: there’s a difference between bein’ wise and avoidin’ the truth. Ya just in it for tha money.

SOLOMON: But I’m the king! I need the money!

JC: Why, didja second Jacuzzi break down?

SOLOMON: Well of cour… wait, no!

JC: I thought so. (Looks at map) We should be close ta our first target ‘ere.

SOLOMON: Really? But it says there would be a very popular…

The curtain pulls back to show a wrestling ring surrounded by a large crowd of fans (at least 30 people) screaming and cheering.

SOLOMON: … wrestling ring here.

SOLOMON and JC blend in with the crowd. “Unstable,” (The Ultimate Warrior’s theme) by Jim Johnston, begins to play as an ANNOUNCER steps up to the center of the ring. Spot on ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and patriarchs are you ready for a good time!?

Someone in the back holds up a ‘Cheer!’ sign, and the audience goes wild cheering.

ANNOUNCER: I can’t hear you! I said are you ready for a good time?!?!

‘Cheer!’ sign is held up, and the audience somehow becomes louder than it already is.

ANNOUNCER: I still can’t… hang on. (Pulls out a hearing aid) I knew I forgot something (puts on hearing aid). So, you guys ready for a good time?

‘Cheer!’ sign is held up, and the audience reaches a zenith on volume.

ANNOUNCER: Ow! That’s way too loud! I should’ve bought those earplugs. Anyways, in this corner, weighing in at 470 pounds of pure muscle… he’s the champion of an evil army and is angry because he can’t fit in his bathtub… give it up for… GOLIATH!

GOLIATH, a humongous fellow with a bump on his head and clothing too small for him, enters inside the wrestling ring. The ‘Boo!’ sign in held up by a person nearby the ‘Cheer!’ guy, and the audience promptly boos him.

ANNOUNCER: And in this corner, weighing in at 66 pounds… he’s just a good ol’ boy who’s wandered into the big leagues by accident… give it up for… DAVID!

DAVID, a short and shifty kid, enters the ring. The ‘Cheer!’ sign is held up and the audience goes wild. Spot off. The music fades out, and a bell goes ‘DING!’ to signal the start of the match. DAVID and GOLITH circle around the ring for a bit, facing each other. GOLIATH acts menacing and mean while DAVID acts meek. GOLIATH lunges at DAVID and misses. He tries again, then misses, with the audience gasping and cheering for DAVID appropriately as the match goes on. Suddenly, DAVID grabs a rock on the side of the ring (a rock the size of his head) and launches the rock at the back of GOLIATH’s head while the big guy poses for a booing audience. GOLIATH, upon impact, topples over, and the audience cheers in sync with the ‘Cheer!’ sign.

ANNOUNCER: Amazing! Now that’s something you don’t see every day! David has hit Goliath with a rock, thus winning the match! Thank you all, you’ve been a wonderful audience, no refunds!

The audience (except for SOLOMON and JC) mingles out as the ANNOUNCER grabs a water bottle and gives it to a panting and tired DAVID. GOLIATH leans on the ropes and closes his eyes for a bit.

ANNOUNCER: (to DAVID) Perfect as always! Remember, we have another show in fifteen minutes. Be ready!

Both DAVID and GOLIATH leave the ring.

ANNOUNCER: Hey Goliath! (Very slowly and intending to insult) Be… (Points to self) back... (Points to his back) fifteen minutes (shows fifteen with his fingers). That should get through your pea-sized brain!

DAVID: (to GOLIATH, talking to him as if he were a dog) Yeah, boy! I’m gonna kick your butt again! Yes I am! Yes I am!

GOLIATH takes this abuse with his head down, slouched over. He goes to sit on a bench as the ANNOUNCER and DAVID leave. SOLOMON and JC approach.

SOLOMON: (to JC) I’ll take care of this. (Goes over to GOLIATH) Hello…(waves hand) I… (Points to self) come… (Walks in place) in peace!  (Flashes peace sign)

GOLIATH: (coldly) Without meaning to be confrontational, I have had enough presumptions leading to drawn-out vocabulary for one day.

SOLOMON: Umm…

GOLIATH: I cannot wait for the shame you’ll feel when you tell others Goliath is smarter than you.

JC: We got an offa ta make ta ya.

GOLIATH: Hmmm… what is this offer?

SOLOMON hands over the letter. GOLIATH takes the letter and begins scanning over it. JC beckons SOLOMON over, and both of them move over to another part of the stage.

JC: Listen, man, you gotta apologize.

SOLOMON: For what?

JC: For what? For treatin’ Goliath like a fool, that’s what!

SOLOMON: Why?

JC: ‘Cause we’re askin’ him ta do a favor! If ya want people ta respect ya (and I hear ya needin’ that ‘round some parts), then ya gotta respect them!

SOLOMON: … I suppose that makes sense.

JC: It better. (Smiles) I keep hearin’ ya were an authority on things makin’ sense.

They walk back to GOLIATH, who’s staring at the letter in puzzlement.

JC: So… what do ya say?

GOLIATH: I cannot read.

SOLOMON: Oh, predictable!

GOLIATH: You did not let me finish. I cannot read without my glasses. You, sir, are becoming predictable.

SOLOMON: You could have told us that!

GOLIATH: (defensively) But you told me to read it and implied I was to do it now and here! What else could I do?

SOLOMON: That makes no sense!

GOLIATH: I am sorry… I keep becoming distracted by these massive headaches of late. (Rubs the part of the head that got hit by DAVID) It truly is a mystery…

JC: Well, it’s an offer for a car ya just won. We’re gonna take ya to it.

GOLIATH: Hmmm… how do I know it is a car in pristine condition? Why didn’t you bring it with you? And why was I chosen for this offer? Lastly, did you really think you could outwit me, the champion of my people?

SOLOMON: No. (steps in between GOLIATH and JC) I’m sorry I treated you like an idiot before, but I will not continue a lie. The devil wants to organize former villains in order to create a team to wreck havoc upon earth for revenge. We’re rounding up everyone. Are you interested in joining us?

GOLIATH spends a good time in thought over this. Then…

GOLIATH: … I do not think I can join you, though I wish to thank you for your understanding. My job requires my presence here.

SOLOMON: You… like that job?

GOLIATH: No, but it is a safe one.

JC: But David…

SOLOMON AND GOLIATH: That’s not David.

JC: … huh?

SOLOMON: David’s my father. If he’s too old to be king anymore, he’s not hanging around here.

GOLIATH: That is true. My opponent is just an actor, as I wish people to think of me as. We’re hired to replay the unfortunate events of several years ago for the audience’s entertainment… including my loss.

JC: But you’re Goliath. Surely…

GOLIATH: That is what I try to tell them! I am Goliath the Mighty! I defeated hundreds in single combat, and I wasn’t even trying those times! Years later, that farm-boy is sitting in a retirement home, and I’m still fighting every day!

SOLOMON: That’s beside the point. How did you get stuck like this?

GOLIATH: My name alone scared off all the other employers. The fact that most people don’t realize I was just knocked out, instead of dead, scares them as well.

SOLOMON: There weren’t any friends to help?

GOLIATH: My opponent and the announcer are friends enough. I do what they want, and they give me a reward of some sort. It worked with my drill sergeant.

SOLOMON: Excuse me. (Takes JC aside) I can’t compete with a mind that warped. Let’s move on.

JC: C’mon… is that tha Solomon of Old? Is this not tha man who saved lives with his wisdom? Who sought ta help others? Who asked God fa wisdom, not fa personal gain, but ta help His people?

SOLOMON: … that was a long time ago.

JC: We live in a world where Goliath does pro-wrestling and biblical heroes talk about Justin Beiber. Do ya think time matters at all here?

SOLOMON: What on earth are you… (An idea pops into his head that he wrestles with mentally for a bit) … I think I have it!

SOLOMON returns over to GOLIATH on the bench

SOLOMON: Goliath, are we friends?

GOLIATH: Of course not! We just met.

SOLOMON: Your ‘friends’ back there give you money and scorn. I give you respect and truth. Isn’t that a better gift to give as a friend?

GOLIATH: … I suppose so…

SOLOMON: When did I start treating you like a friend?

GOLIATH: When you told me the truth about the letter.

SOLOMON: That’s close… it’s when I responded to the truth about you.

“Unstable,” begins playing again, and a crowd arrives, lead by DAVID and ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER: Hey blockhead, what part of fifteen minutes did you not understand?!

GOLIATH prepares to leave.

SOLOMON: You must get your old glory back. These men are not friends.

GOLIATH: But what can I do?

SOLOMON whispers something into GOLIATH’s ear.

GOLIATH: … I hope you know what you are doing.

GOLIATH runs over to his place in the ring, as everyone else is already in position. Spot on ANNOUNCER

ANNOUNCER: In this corner, weighing in at “I broke the scale,” pounds… a man whose limited vocabulary consists of ‘kill’ and ‘more cake’… give it up for… GOLIATH!

The ‘Boo!’ sign is held up, and everyone boos but a cheering SOLOMON and JC.

ANNOUNCER: And in this corner, weighing in at 66 pounds… he’s just a good ol’ boy with a heart of gold… give it up for … DAVID!

DAVID enters the ring. The ‘Cheer!’ sign is held up and the audience goes wild but a silent SOLOMON and JC. Spot off. The music fades out, and a bell goes ‘DING!’ to signal the start of the match. DAVID and GOLITH circle around the ring for a bit, facing each other. GOLIATH acts meek while DAVID acts menacing and mean. GOLIATH give two half-hearted swings at DAVID that miss, with the audience gasping and cheering when appropriate. DAVID grabs the replaced rock and launches it at GOLIATH while GOLIATH’s back is turned. Suddenly, GOLIATH catches the rock before it hits him! The audience is stunned silent.

ANNOUNCER: Amazing! Now that’s something you don’t see every day! David has hit Goliath… (Begins to notice the silence) with a rock… (Turns around, notices GOLIATH) thus… losing?

DAVID: Why you little…

DAVID begins taking angry, wild, and completely out of previous character swings at GOLIATH while shouting incomprehensible insults. The crowd begins to gasp at each attack, horrified with the truth about DAVID. Eventually, DAVID charges at GOLIATH, which GOLIATH easily stops by holding his hand out and pushing against DAVID’s head as DAVID runs in place. The crowd is silent, terrified.

DAVID: You twerp, you think you can take my show away!? I’ll kill you! I’ll bury you in your own fat! I’ll make you eat that small brain of yours!

GOLIATH pushes DAVID on the ground and stands above him, rock held high above his head.

GOLIATH: I believe the saying goes, “Eat this!”

He chucks the rock at DAVID’s head, which promptly knocks him out. The audience is stunned and still silent. Eventually, the ‘Cheer!’ sign guy shrugs and holds up his sign. Queen’s “We are the Champions” plays at 1:51, and the crowd cheers wildly. The ANNOUNCER’s jaw looks like it will hit the floor. GOLIATH stands in the center of the ring, amazed at this reversal of fortune, and then showing gratitude to a higher power as the crowd begins chanting his name. This chanting continues (albeit a bit softer) as GOLIATH leaves the ring and meets up with SOLOMON and JC.

SOLOMON: You did it! You acted like the real David.

GOLIATH: The credit belongs to you. You acted like a friend.

They start walking off as music slowly fades out and lights slowly fade to black. End Scene.