She wore her smiles like some girls wore makeup.
She didn't like life, so she wouldn't wake up.
Sleepwalking through the halls you'd see her pass,
Sleepwalking through it all you know it'll never last.
Girl, you can't keep living like this,
Pretending life is bliss,
This is what reality is.
I promise though to you,
Your nightmares are almost through,
But don't let them stop you.
I used the gun in my hand to replace yours.
Carrie didn't like bugs. She detested them in fact. She would constantly brush off her clothes, checking her navy blue plain dresses, over and over and over. She would brush them when she was eating, when she was shopping, when she was with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend's name was Tyler.
Tyler, to put it gently, was not blessed with any intelligence whatsoever. In hindsight, neither was Carrie for dating him, and vice versa.
Tyler was incredibly handsome and rich though, so he sailed through life easily. One day, Tyler got killed.
Tyler got killed by Carrie. She brushed him right off her navy stained dress.
Tyler was stupid to date Carrie.
I like the smiles/makeup comparison and the image of sleepwalking in the first piece. The rhythm flows pretty well in the first four lines, but the second half needs some tightening. I recommend combining lines 6-7 into "pretending that this is what reality is", combining lines 8-9 into "I promise your nightmares are almost through", and cutting the word "but" from the last line to give it more strength.
ReplyDeleteThe scenario about Carrie and Tyler is interesting, and I think you can expand on it some more. Do bugs literally cling to Carrie all the time, or does she just imagine that they do and compulsively groom herself out of paranoia? Why does she always wear plain navy blue dresses? Does Tyler ever offer to buy her new dresses with his ample money (or is he not clever enough to suggest it)? What prompts her to finally kill him? Does he start getting too clingly and pesky like the bugs she always tries to avoid? I think this piece can make a good short story with a little more detail, so keep at it.
I agree with Eric about the sleepwalking poem, and would even go as far to suggest just leaving out the second part. Not sure what it might bring about for you, but it's worth a try.
ReplyDeleteDon't get "I used the gun in my hand to replace yours." Really liked the last one for its language.