Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Not sure what to name this

So, I realize I haven't submitted in a long time.  Each of these is it's own little separate piece.

When people run past me, I could feel the breeze, even if they just walked past, feel the swish of their clothes, the scent of their cologne, the wisp of their soul, but when you passed me I felt nothing.  I stared at you, you seemed to float a level above this mortal world, and then I realized that it wasn't you.  It was me.

You pinned the small butterflies to the cork board and I watched their scales fall off as they tried to struggle. I didn't say anything and you didn't say anything.  We just sat, two little butterflies, pinned down.

I found you both out the very first day, and maybe it was me, with my cat whiskers feeling the air of the day and the tightness I found between you two, or maybe it was you two, handwriting and art intertwined.  Either way, my claws found a way of tangling the both of you together and I'm satisfied with how the end results are.

There was never a wind, never a want, never a waste, never a wait, never a bait.  There was never a you, never a me, never a she, never a they or a we or an us.  There was never anything, and I suppose that's how none of us like it.

You said shut the door darling, this snow isn't good for you.  I thought, shut the relationship darling, this thing isn't good for you.  But I smiled and hid the knife.

He said it was possible to have a big ego and little self esteem.  She mulled it over while eating white chocolate and playing with her hands.  He smiled and told her she did and she laughed.

We each have our underlying names, the things no one knows, the innocence lost, the sad eyes, the hidden stares, and the deep glares from our soul wanting to come out.  Names of hate, love, violence, sadness, the names of us, all of us, not just what people can see.  Eyes and hearts only go so far.

1 comment:

  1. Breeze: The concept of feeling a unique breeze from each passer-by has rich potential, and I think you should focus more on the physical details of that sensation (gentleness or roughness, warmth or chill, etc) and what they reveal about a person before transitioning to other senses like scent or sight.
    Butterflies: Since it is clear who pins down the literal butterflies, I think the ending could be stronger if you add something to suggest who or what is pinning down the two metaphorical butterflies (God, love, apathy, etc.).
    Cat: I really like the cat's perspective and the way it takes pride in being the thing that brings together the two people. The "handwriting and art" bit didn't seem to fit with that perspective though, so I recommend cutting it. Everything else was nice.
    Never Was: I must confess that I don't really get what this one is about. It starts off mentioning wind, which made me think of the literal force of wind, but then it immediately goes into more abstract things like wants and waits, and that transition from literal to abstract felt jarring to me. I also struggled to find a thematic connection between the emotions of wanting and waiting and the concepts of identity signified by the you/me/they/we labels. The double negative in the last sentence is kind of darkly humorous, but it felt a little forced the first time I read it. I'm not saying that the parts don't work by themselves; they just don't fit together quite right in my mind.
    Since the majority of the piece deals with abstract concepts like identity, I recommend cutting the bit about wind. Some of the words also lend themselves to rhymes, so it might be worth rearraning the order to develop a stronger rhythm (want--wait--waste--bait; you--me--they--we)
    Shutting: I like the setup, but I think too much is left unsaid. I think some more physical details will not only make the scene easier to picture but also offer subtle hints about the relationship. Is she standing inside the doorway looking out because she feels trapped in the relationship? Is she lingering in the doorway after coming in because she doesn't want to come home? Is she bringing the knife in from the outside, or does she always have it on her?
    Big Ego: This piece said everything it needed to say as simply as possible. The only tweak I could say it needs is specifying the way she was playing with her hands (Twiddling thumbs? Biting nails? Waving fingers?).
    Underlying Names: I'm not sure that "names" is the best central theme for this piece. Names are labels used to identify things (truthfully or falsely), but this piece seems less about trying to label or identify things and more about restraining the emotions and actions that have already been identified. The stares and glares are strong actions, and the emotions mentioned are strong emotions, but the "names of" parts getting added makes me think that the emotions are fake since names can often be used to deliberately disguise things. Are the "underlying names" supposed to be false identities or misleading labels used to hide our true thoughts? I almost think you should cut all references to names and just focus on the "things no one knows" since those things themselves seem more important than the labels attached to them.

    I'm asking all these questions because I want to help strengthen your work and find out if I am misinterpreting anything. If you want to clarify things for me, please do.