Yeah yeah, we probably aren't supposed to do this, but whatever.
To: Dennis.
You'll Never Know
I can feel the sun when I step out of the shadows
And I can feel the wind as it blows.
The trees and flowers all around me
It's beautiful and yet you'll never know.
You'll never know the beauty of the earth.
You'll never know laughter and mirth.
You'll never know what it's really like to live.
Cause you had to go and do what you did.
Maybe your dreams were broken.
Maybe your fears unspoken.
Maybe your heart was unopened.
Maybe your love was barren
You'll never know what love really feels like.
You'll never know when your life feels right.
You'll never know what it's like to feel the light.
I like the descriptions of the sensations you feel and the parallels between you not knowing why Dennis did what he did and Dennis not knowing those feelings that you know. I think you can add a little more detail to certain parts in order to make those sensations feel more specific (ex. "I can feel the kiss/touch/caress of the wind" or "the trees and the flowers blooming/growing/flourishing").
ReplyDeleteI also think the "maybe your fears" line needs a "were" or "were left" to make the pace of it fit better with the other lines. I do like how the shorter lines in that part of the poem shift the overall rhythm; it makes me think of a time change during a song.
Specific would be nice, like Eric said, but it might mess with the flow. Also, is this set to any particular kind of music? It seems very much like a song.
ReplyDelete