Second Helpings of Cyanide - Part 1

In the interest of catching up on submissions, here's a play long in the making that I hope to get produced soon... a comedy! I hope you all enjoy. There are acts instead of scenes, so I should divide this up arbitrarily. If you guys could comment on what jokes are funny and which ones fall flat, that would be great.

Second Helpings of Cyanide

By

 Nick Edinger

ACT ONE

On stage, a spotlight appears on JULES CLIFFTON, SL, a sixteen-year-old with a brightly colored jacket, uncontrollable hair, and the look of an energetic man on his face. He is the only person on stage and the second object visible: The first is a sign that says, “CYANIDE: The ‘Lost’ William Shakespeare Play.”

JULES: (rushing, but still with an intense amount of energy)

A land begot with confusion appears

To the blind man who rules this kingdom fair,

And woe is he! For if he had but ears

To know the truth, he’d Sound Cue 20 there.

VOICE FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE AUDIENCE: CUT!

MS. DIANA CRONOS emerges from the seat in the second row closest to the aisle, revealing herself to be the voice. A middle-aged woman with a calm countenance, she walks over to JULES.

JULES: Sorry I mixed up my lines a bit. Not like Shakespeare’s around to complain, right? (seeing how serious she is) Don’t worry, I’ll get it down before the curtain rises!

MS. CRONOS: (calmly) We’re short on time, Jules… do it again and get it right.

MS. CRONOS resumes her seat in the audience.

JULES: (without missing a beat) A land begot with cinnamon appears…

MS. CRONOS: CUT! Start it again.

JULES: A land forgot by Cameron…

MS. CRONOS: Redo!

JULES: A land… a-landed… by a land…

MS. CRONOS: Again!

JULES: A land if by land and two if by sea…

MS. CRONOS gets up, walks towards JULES

MS. CRONOS: Jules, if you can’t keep your lines straight…

JULES: I remember all of my other lines!

MS. CRONOS: … who else are you playing?

JULES: Servant #2, Understudy for Bob and Wilhelmina, Sound Manager, Lighting Manager, Crew Manager, Crew Member, and that one guy who cleans up the ticket stubs after the show.

MS. CRONOS: And… wait, how did you end up with all of that?

JULES: I was asked. I can do more, though, if need be.

MS. CRONOS: (sighs) Well… well, just keep trying and get the lines right, will you?

JULES: Sure. I’m doing well for all I have on my plate, right?

MS. CRONOS: Perfect. Now do it all over.

She returns to her seat

JULES:  A land begot with… confusion! appears

To the blind man who rules this kingdom fair,

And woe is he! For if he had but ears

To know the truth, it’d strip his logic bare!

For in the conflict of good and evil,

Who knows the difference… the difference… what’s the difference…

MS. CRONOS: Without!

JULES: The difference without their signs!

None of you can stop this here upheaval,

For now you must watch as the stars align.

Pardon me if my French doth offends thee…

MS. CRONOS: Pardon me if my rhyme!

JULES: …pardon me if my rhyme does offend thee

As the…the…

MS. CRONOS: Starts with a ‘p’…

JULES: (rapidly and wildly guessing) Pilaf, Pilaster, Pilate, Pilates, Pilatus, pilchard, Pilcomayo, pile, pile driver, pleated…

MS. CRONOS: Pills?

JULES: I don’t take them, but thanks… wait! I remember it now! ‘Pills!’

As the pills to fix one’s blight must so do!

But remember, these shadows are like… like…

MS. CRONOS: ME!

JULES: These shadows are like me!

Their existence is possible by you.

So join me! Watch them pursue moonlight daises

 And then we’ll laugh, knowing that they’re… they’re…

MS. CRONOS: Do you remember anything?

JULES: And then we’ll laugh, knowing that we don’t remember anything!

MS. CRONOS: The word is CRAZY! (pause, as she catches her breath) Sorry, I just need to keep a bit of order around here. Why don’t you go call in everyone else?

JULES: Sure thing! (Turns to SR) HEY! SCENE ONE IS UP!

MS. CRONOS: Jules Clifton!

JULES: (from offstage) I knew that!

He sprints off. The stage lights up fully as JULES exits. The actual stage is mostly bare save a fake window hanging on the wall and a bench. Two actors, CHUCK ROLFE and MARION CUTIO, walk across SR to arrive at SL.

CHUCK: Oh, the humanity! For thus I have

Been left by my former lover at once.

MARION: (upstaging him, clearly doing a better job)

Fret not, my good master; for I shall do

Joy for you when you become as down as this.

MS. CRONOS: CUT! Chuck, is something wrong today? You were doing a great job yesterday.

CHUCK: So what you REALLY mean is that I’m doing terrible today!

MS. CRONOS: Not terribly, but you’re forgetting to emote.

CHUCK: Are you kidding!? I ALWAYS emote! I’m emoting right NOW!

MS. CRONOS: Then do it onstage, then. Take the line over. Jules, could you come over here for a second?

She returns to her seat as Jules slides onstage. CHUCK takes a quick glance to offstage SL. He then continues the line

CHUCK: (still angry) Oh the HUMANITY! For thus I have

Been LEFT by my FORMER Lover… AT ONCE!

MS. CRONOS: Cut, cut, cut…

JULES: You called?

MS. CRONOS emerges from her seat.

MS. CRONOS: Charles, dear, I know you’re trying, but… well, you have the wrong emotion.

CHUCK: What’s wrong with my emotion? It’s as good as any other emotion, right? My upset’s just a bit character that the director won’t shut the hell up!

JULES: You… called?

MS. CRONOS: (to CHUCK, losing patience) You’re supposed to be sad at this point.

MARION: When I watch this, I’m already very sad.

CHUCK: Why should I be sad, who WANTS to be sad? That’s like asking a piece of paper if it WANTS to be folded into awkward shapes and thrown at an ugly kid across the room!

JULES: Called… did you?

MS. CRONOS: (exasperated) The character doesn’t want to be sad, but just, well, feels sad.  Really take in the emotions you would feel; the hopelessness, the depression, and the heartaches. Then, act like it.

She begins to walk back to her seat.

CHUCK: But how do I do that?

MS. CRONOS: I don’t know… just do it! Start the line over.

She returns to her seat.

JULES: (very loudly) AHEM!

Ms. Cronos jumps a bit, then turns to face him.

JULES: Sorry, something in my throat. Chronic condition. Happens when I’m ignored. Anyways, you called?

MS. CRONOS: Jules, I want you to help in an experiment. Can you…

JULES: Yes!

MS. CRONOS: Good. Take over Chuck’s role for a bit. Show him how it’s done so he can see an example as to how to be sad. And… you should probably use a script too.

CHUCK: (flustered, mixing up words) You know what? Fine! You want me to read my rights and get them lined, so here they are!

Oh the humanity! For thus I have

Been left by my former lover at once

MARION: (still doing a far better job than him, stepping in front of JULES to the side to take the stage.)

Fret not, my good master; for I shall do

Joy for you when you become as down as this.

MS. CRONOS: He’s stealing your scene, Chuck!

CHUCK: (really trying to upstage MARION, also pushing JULES out of his way.)

Oh, Aphrodite, how hath I ‘fended

Thee so, for you to steal her away?

MARION: (doing the same to Chuck, once again shoving JULES out of her path)

The will of the gods are too far for us

To dare comprehend what they mean to say.

CHUCK: (stepping in front of MARION, pushing JULES offstage to do so. His fall is accompanied with the sound of a crash and breaking glass)

Is that so? Then I’ll go ask them myself…

Oh Zeus, great and mighty! Oh Poseidon,

the not-as-mighty, but still pretty cool,

and Hades, the jerk of the Underworld,

(but still not to be messed with on no clock)

I pray thee for a worthy foe to come

So that I may fight him and win, so thus

My love shall see this deed and want me back.

If you are truly… (distracted by Marilyn) if you truly…

Out damned mime! Out I say!

CHUCK has turned around to see that MARION has begun to mime while he was speaking. MS. CRONOS emerges from her seat.

MS. CRONOS: CUT! Mr. Cutio, WHY are you doing this now?

MARION: (serious) Well, Cronos, here’s the deal. I’m a senior, this is the last play of the year, and you cast me as a sidekick. You think not getting a lead role is going to get in my way?

CHUCK: What are you, some prima-sidekicking-donna?

MARION: Unlike you, at least I’m a prima-sidekicking-donna that can act.

MS. CRONOS: Quiet! Ok… Ms. Cutio, stop miming.

MARION CUTIO does so, but begins to take out a skull and begin a soliloquy as MS. CRONOS turns her back and begins walking to her seat.

MS. CRONOS: I saw that!

MARION throws away the skull.

 MS. CRONOS: From the beginning of the soliloquy, Chuck, and with more passion.

CHUCK: Is that so? Then I’ll go ask them myself…

Oh Zeus, great and mighty! Oh Poseidon…

MS. CRONOS: Jules, are you forgetting something?

JULES CLIFTON runs back onstage, and goes to the doorway between stage left and stage right.

JULES: A message, good sir, from the dreaded Count…

MS. CRONOS: No! The spotlight, remember?

JULES: I knew that!

He runs offstage SR, and a lone spotlight appears on CHUCK. JULES runs back on stage until he arrives at SL.

CHUCK: My love shall see this deed and want me back.

If you are truly great and powerful too,

you will take this prayer…

JULES: A message, good sir, from…

MS. CRONOS: That line comes later!

CHUCK: Geez, man, take a remember-your-lines-before-we-all-kill-you pill!

JULES: Sorry!

JULES runs out SR. During this time, MARION has made her way in front of CHUCK

MARION: If you truly are great and powerful too,

you will take this prayer, and see me through!

But wait! Sir, there appears to be someone

At yonder door… a bench for his worn feet!

JULES returns as MARION grabs a bench on the stage.

JULES: A land begot with confusion appears

To the blind man who rules this kingdom fair,

And woe is he! For if he had but ears

To know the truth, it’d strip his logic bare!

For in the conflict of good and evil,

Who knows the difference without their signs?

During this time, MS. CRONOS walks up onto SL with a rolled-up newspaper in hand. She puts her hands on JULES’S shoulders.

MS. CRONOS: Jules, I can’t believe it! You finally got the sonnet down 30 lines after you needed to say it! Wonderful! I’m so happy that I could just strangle you!

JULES: Ummm…well… well, of course, I… THINK I HAVE A SOUND CUE TO TAKE CARE OF! Gotta go!

JULES runs offstage.