Hey! Here are some more short story pieces, some with titles, some without.
0 divided us.
Nothing could divide us we both promised, and for a while it seems to stick. We are great friends and maybe even lovers. But I’m telling you now, it might be nothing that divides us in the end, the void of no words or caring that tears us apart.
You found an ugly stone; me, and you tried to crack it and crack it you did. But with every crack, you didn’t know, I was a diamond, and every single blow, every kill you tried under the cover of love, I just gleamed brighter. When you broke me, it all fell apart and I became anew. I’ll have to thank you someday because now everyone wants me, the ugly gem, the gorgeous insecure
I like to play where I shouldn’t play.
Harps and shadows, darkness all day.
I like to walk where I shouldn’t walk.
The darkness is fun when you don’t balk.
Bad things happen in the dark
So stay near me and let me be the light of the shadows.
I love the dark because of the pain
So come close, I’ll give you my rain.
I hold fire in my hands.
And it’s running through your veins.
Don’t leave me in here, it’s all dark.
The shadows and meadow larks.
Don’t leave me here alone
This is my house but not my home.
Liked the first one for its great concept. Might want to watch the mockable properties of the title (for example: "In Soviet Russia, 0 divide you!") that might ruin the atmosphere indirectly.
ReplyDeleteThe second one's wonderful.
The rhyme scheme change in the third one is a bit jarring, and I don't believe that conveyed what you were intending with it. The feeling of desperation at the end and the established setting come across just as clearly without it.
I feel the first one would be even stronger without the "friends and lovers" line in the middle. I like the way you play with the multiple meanings of the word "nothing".
ReplyDeleteIs the second one missing a word at the end? I'm used to "insecure" being an adjective and not a noun. I also think you should cut the "every kill" line and stay focused on the central imagery of a stone being cracked because it's a very evocative visual.
I'm a little confused as to what you were trying to convey in the third one. It starts out like you are mischevious and almost proud to play in the dark where you shouldn't, but then you say you want to be the light for the other person, which seems to go against the very essence of the darkness you said you love. Then you beg to not be left alone because "it's dark" and "it's not your home", so I'm not sure which sentiment to believe. If you want the poem to keep that sense of naughty mischief from the opening, cut the last four lines, revise the "stay near me" line, and add more details about the pain in the dark that you love and want to share with the other person.