tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6915007278611427797.post9013162566331631561..comments2023-08-27T02:17:43.033-07:00Comments on The 52 Week Project: BackElihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06433789042279549889noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6915007278611427797.post-24964283322999832342012-07-17T15:32:04.482-07:002012-07-17T15:32:04.482-07:00I feel the first one would be even stronger withou...I feel the first one would be even stronger without the "friends and lovers" line in the middle. I like the way you play with the multiple meanings of the word "nothing". <br />Is the second one missing a word at the end? I'm used to "insecure" being an adjective and not a noun. I also think you should cut the "every kill" line and stay focused on the central imagery of a stone being cracked because it's a very evocative visual.<br />I'm a little confused as to what you were trying to convey in the third one. It starts out like you are mischevious and almost proud to play in the dark where you shouldn't, but then you say you want to be the light for the other person, which seems to go against the very essence of the darkness you said you love. Then you beg to not be left alone because "it's dark" and "it's not your home", so I'm not sure which sentiment to believe. If you want the poem to keep that sense of naughty mischief from the opening, cut the last four lines, revise the "stay near me" line, and add more details about the pain in the dark that you love and want to share with the other person.ERIC L.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13216007825025566129noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6915007278611427797.post-10755311157783110232012-07-16T19:08:46.688-07:002012-07-16T19:08:46.688-07:00Liked the first one for its great concept. Might w...Liked the first one for its great concept. Might want to watch the mockable properties of the title (for example: "In Soviet Russia, 0 divide you!") that might ruin the atmosphere indirectly.<br />The second one's wonderful.<br />The rhyme scheme change in the third one is a bit jarring, and I don't believe that conveyed what you were intending with it. The feeling of desperation at the end and the established setting come across just as clearly without it.Nick Edingerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11987651341572934920noreply@blogger.com