Saturday, May 19, 2012

Eli Week 8: Sugaree Part 1

Wow. Holy sh*t I fell behind hard core. SOOO... I have like 4 weeks to make up. So I'm going to post a rough draft that I kinda wrote a while back but never did anything with. Everything and every character is inspired by the music of the Grateful Dead. Enjoy.

I will also try to get feedback to everyone in the next two days.


  1. Interesting setup with good atmosphere, but the dialogue could use some streamlining. I think the hangman actually speaks too much; he sounds more like he's a sheriff/magistrate than an executioner. Perhaps the priest could take some of those lines, particularly the "witch" ones since this execution bears echos of the Inquisition.
    The pacing of the saloon scene feels erratic too me. The exchange between Rosa and Sam covers the exposition pretty well, but the dialogue between Sam and Sugaree starts to get redundant. They both seem to already know why he left for so long and why she chose to move on, so condensing some of those lines would improve the pace (particularly, the "you put your job first", "my clock was tickin", and "my farm's soil" bits). I also found it a bit sudden that they start talking about resuming their affair right away, especially when Jack is in the same room. On that note, why did no one else seemed to notice Sugaree dropping her groceries and calling out to Rosa when they all seemed to take note of Sam and Billy simply walking in the door? Perhaps Jack should take notice of their close conversation and then try to verbally intimidate Sam before getting violent.
    The Dire Wolf abruptly shooting Jack also seemed to come out of nowhere. Plus, if Rosa was the only other witness and she presumably dies as well, who would then implicate Sugaree for the crime? Will a later scene clarify this?
    I want to read more and find out exactly Sugaree ends up tried and condemned (and why Billy never talks). I hope future installments will shed some more light on their stories.

  2. I really liked these characters and found myself invested in them as the story went on, which is why the ending left a bitter taste. Maybe there will be an explanation in Part 2, but there really needs to be some foreshadowing to make it seem less abrupt (though it can still be a shock). I actually thought it would be Sam at first... an obvious twist, sure, but it could work with the theme of guilt. I didn't mind the dialogue like Eric L. did, but condensing it in order to make the words count never hurt anybody.