The Greatest Villains: Act II, Scene XI

I’ve reached a predicament. As I’ve said before, the jukebox musical interpretation will be scrapped. However, I really don’t see a way to replace the song I already have here. If you could add suggestions in your comments, that’d be great.

Scene XI

Spot goes on someone dressed like Moses (RAMSES II), who’s holding up a pair of sandals and wears a long beard over heavy stage makeup. The Dire Straits song “Twisting by the Pool,” plays from 0:00.

RAMSES II: Hi, I’m Moses, and I’m happy to present our newest product: the water-walk shoes! After years of guarding the family secret, I’ve decided to share with you how I escaped Pharaoh Ramses the Second across the Red Sea! Simply put on these shoes and you can walk across any sea, Red to Dead! Don’t tell Jesus, though… he might not like the competition! Only $19.66! Call 1-800-867-SHOE today!

He walks out of the spotlight, Music fades out.

VOICEOVER: We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.

NOAH, with a pinned-on Star Trek badge, walks into the spotlight. “To Boldly Go,” from the movie ‘Star Trek’ plays.

NOAH: Land: the desired frontier. These are the voyages of the ark known as Enterprise. Its forty-day mission: to explore strange new waves, to seek out new life and new civilizations… to boldly go… wherever that dove tells us to go.

At this time, “To Boldly Go” should transition smoothly into “End Credits” from the same movie. Two STAGEHANDS bring in a sign that reads ‘ARK TREK” in clear letters. After an appropriate amount of time, the lights go up to full to reveal a film studio (at least 10 people) and the music fades out.

DIRECTOR: Ok, that’s a wrap! Good job everyone, let’s catch some ‘z’s!

People begin to disperse. Most people in the studio go to hang out with NOAH, who’s walking calmly off of the stage. THREE FANS approach RAMSES II, who’s carelessly throwing away the water-walk shoes.

FAN 1: Excuse me, Mr. Moses?

FAN 2: Can we have your autograph?

FAN 3: We really like your ads.

RAMSES II: (dry, not caring) Go away, kids. I’m not Moses, I’m just miserable on TV.

THE THREE FANS walk away, dejected. The party (SOLOMON, JC, GOLIATH, MARTHA, PILATE, and JUDAS) approach RAMSES II.

PILATE: I was going to ask for an autograph, but I don’t think that’ll work. (Does a politician’s handshake with RAMSES II) Pontius Pilate, at your service.

RAMSES II moves his hand and looks away.

JUDAS: We have no time to dance around the issue. The name’s Bond, Judas Bond. We know you’re really Ramses, the adopted brother of Moses. That’s why you’re trapped impersonating him… you know how he acts and looks.

RAMSES II: Second.

JUDAS: Yes?

RAMSES II: Second. Ramses the Second. That’s very important.

JUDAS: Regardless, we have an offer for you.

He pulls RAMSES II aside and starts to have a silent conversation with him.

GOLIATH: Have I mentioned I am truly sorry about my stunt? Because I am.

MARTHA: Only ten times today, buddy. Sorry if I shouted before. Just smile already. (To JC) Are you sure Ramses is on the list? We can’t really double-check anymore.

JC: No worries! I memorized what I needed ta the moment I found it back there.

JUDAS stops talking and pulls back, waiting for an answer.

RAMSES II: …ok.

JUDAS: Really? No hoops you want us to go through?

RAMSES II: I don’t trust you yet. But I don’t like my job.

JUDAS: Likewise.

JC: Brilliant! We’re nearly done, we just have ta wait for Solomon ta…

SOLOMON is suddenly thrown onstage and lands on the floor. EVE, a girl with long hair and organic clothing, steps out onstage after him.

EVE: Do you hate me? Do you? Solomon, this is the final straw!

SOLOMON: But Eve, darling… there’s no denying what had happened before in the Garden…

EVE: Oh really? (Inspects group) So where’s Adam?

SOLOMON: …Adam?

EVE: That’s right. Adam! When’s the last time you read my story? Right there in Chapter 3, Verse 6: “So she took some of the fruit and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate it.”

SOLOMON: Look, you’re right. He should be on the list. But the issue is…

EVE: The issue is if I’m going to help you. And, for the hundredth and final time, Solomon, no means no. I guess the restraining order isn’t enough.

She storms out. SOLOMON is on his knees at this point, nearly frozen. GOLIATH approaches him and puts his hand on his shoulder.

GOLIATH: I am sorry you had to bear that, but there is no reason to fret. Five out of six is not bad.

SOLOMON doesn’t respond.

JC: C’mon.

The party begins to leave until SOLOMON speaks.

SOLOMON: She was right. She really knew me.

MARTHA: What did she tell you?

SOLOMON: She said that I was a worse betrayal to God than she was.

PILATE: Solomon, if this is about those attack ads my constituents have run-

SOLOMON: All true. I’m the villain in many people’s stories. I have been worshipping other gods, hoping one of them would give me more of what I craved. I’ve hurt people- especially Eve. And for what? So I can lie back, relax, and forget the crimes needed to lie back like that? …I’m glad I gave it all up. I was never a king to begin with.

“Viva la Vida,” by Coldplay, plays. Lights go down and fill the stage with blue. Spot on center stage SOLOMON.

SOLOMON: I USED TO RULE THE WORLD…

         SEAS WOULD RISE WHEN I GAVE THE WORD.

         NOW IN THE MORNING I SLEEP ALONE,

         SWEEP THE STREETS I USED TO OWN.

         I USED TO ROLL THE DICE,

         FEEL THE FEAR IN MY ENEMY’S EYES,

         LISTEN AS THE CROWD WOULD SING,

         “NOW THE OLD KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE KING!”

         ONE MINUTE I HELD THE KEY,

         NEXT THE WALLS WERE CLOSED ON ME

         AND I DISCOVERED THAT MY CASTLES STAND

         UPON PILLARS OF SALT AND PILLARS OF SAND.

         I HEAR JERUSALEM BELLS ARE RINGING,

         ROMAN CAVALRY CHOIRS ARE SINGING…

         BE MY MIRROR, MY SWORD AND SHIELD,

         MY MISSIONARIES IN A FOREIGN FIELD

         FOR SOME REASON I CAN’T EXPLAIN,

         ONCE YOU GO THERE WAS NEVER,

         NEVER AN HONEST WORD…

         AND THAT WAS WHEN I RULED THE WORLD

         IT WAS THE WICKED AND WILD WIND

         BLEW DOWN THE DOORS TO LET ME IN,

         SHATTERED WINDOWS AND THE SOUND OF DRUMS…

         PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’D BECOME.

         REVOLUTIONARIES WAIT

         FOR MY HEAD ON A SILVER PLATE.

         JUST A PUPPET ON A LONELY STRING…

         OH WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO BE KING?

         I HEAR JERUSALEM BELLS ARE RINGING,

         ROMAN CAVALRY CHOIRS ARE SINGING…

         BE MY MIRROR, MY SWORD AND SHIELD,

         MY MISSIONARIES IN A FOREIGN FIELD

         FOR SOME REASON I CAN’T EXPLAIN,

         I KNOW SAINT PETER WON’T CALL MY NAME.

         NEVER AN HONEST WORD…

         BUT THAT WAS WHEN I RULED THE WORLD.

SOLOMON looks down, pitiful and downtrodden. PILATE enters the spotlight, and slowly, eventually puts his hand on his shoulder to comfort him. During this, JUDAHITES form two lines on either side of the stage and hold up lit flashlights as a salute to SOLOMON. As the JUDAHITES sing the “o-o-whoa-o-oooooooooo-o”s, JUDAS, GOLIATH, MARTHA, RAMSES II, and JC each approach individually and do the same as PILATE did. SOLOMON looks as if a great weight has been lifted from him.

SOLOMON: I HEAR JERUSALEM BELLS ARE RINGING,

         ROMAN CAVALRY CHOIRS ARE SINGING…

         BE MY MIRROR, MY SWORD AND SHIELD,

         MY MISSIONARIES IN A FOREIGN FIELD

         FOR SOME REASON I CAN’T EXPLAIN,

         I KNOW SAINT PETER WON’T CALL MY NAME.

         NEVER AN HONEST WORD…

         BUT THAT WAS WHEN I RULED THE WORLD.

THE JUDEAN CHORUS hums out the final “oooooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooo-oooooooo”s as the spot dims out. End scene.

Copyright (C) 2013 by Nick Edinger