Monday, April 30, 2012

1/25/10, In which I argue with myself and act like a total dweeb.

Sorry I'm so late this week, and haven't replied to anyone's stuff this past couple weeks.  Producing a show is so crazy.  I promise I will.  I'd like to subscribe to all the posts and comments so I can respond to all the writings, if I can figure that out.  Also my computer has been broken this past week which is totally awesome.  But I managed to salvage the info, where I'd been keeping all my latest documents, so I can still post what I was going to post on Thursday.

Back to the blog this time.  If you liked reading the parts about my faults and foibles last time, you'll probably like these.  I wrote these two within the space of twenty four hours.  What do you think of these following what I've shown you previously?  Are these too much?  Would they hold attention?  Or should I do something else? Here goes:

January 25, 2010, Part One:  In Which I Have a Long Argument with Myself

Hi again Ganymede.  Yes, I realize I have been concerned with my opinion of the judgment of others- it is because I have butted heads against it recently that I bring it up.  I have heard some fairly awful things directed at me, and, while I might know myself to be myself, and know that I am just me (and I personally am okay with that)- I have heard very many negative things about myself!  One might say that because I don’t do much else other than exist, it might seem as though I share the opinions of others in their judgments- including that I have a low self-esteem as they think.   I only agree insofar as I am everything.  Then, yes, I must agree with them because I am them, and I am somewhat disappointed.  But I am also just a person who still exists as me no matter what the judgment of others, and I have you, Ganymede.  And I do believe you recently told me about how my emotions are exacting a price from me, I feel crushed, and how I need to quickly find a peaceful environment so that I can heal.  Well, what else is new, Ganymede?  Christ.  Though I do not believe anything is impossible, I do not know how to find that peaceful environment, Ganymede, so it seems impossible.  For now.

You reminded me that I am always trying to make a good impression on others, though of course you say I doubt I succeed.  I say- that is true- everyone wants to make a good impression because everyone wants love and comfort and safety.  Or, at least, their egos want it- their false selves they carry around the place.  At the same time, we want to seem above that- we want to seem mature and independent.  Yet when we do not get that love, some of us turn into psychopaths… I wonder if that is quite how Cain felt.  Cut off from being judged favorably and all.  Why should one make the choice not to act as Cain did?  Why should one act in love instead?  Because, if I do act as he did, I am hurting myself.  I know I don’t need others to have a favorable judgment of me or my ego to exist as me- it just makes one more comfortable in their living situation.  But, I must exist without that- I am still me, and alone, and rather dissatisfied with this reality anyway.  And I try to remind myself not to act as petulantly as Cain.  But that doesn’t mean things have improved yet.  We both know that.  And I must also remind myself not to let it delve into the kind of “giving up” acceptance that I channeled once when it backfired, or when it offended me so.

You tell me that I feel I have the right to everything I hope and dream of, and become annoyed and helpless when things don’t go my way.  Well, sure.  Who doesn’t feel that way?  And why should I not?  I value myself even if no one else might… yet, I do feel annoyed and helpless a lot.

You say I feel my failures are no fault of my own, but due to the shortcomings of others.  I suppose, if by that you mean my external reality being those others.  But basically you accuse me of playing the victim.  So be it- I could play that game of “I’m so awesome I’ll rise above it”- but why should I, especially when for the most part I don’t know how?  Other than, once again, some vague hope for improvement as a result.  Besides, yes- though I know that everything is in some way my fault, I know that I didn’t mean it.  It is as though it were the fault of another, so far as I am concerned- or an accident.

You say I feel I am getting less than I deserve; however, I make no effort to change things, and I try to make the best of the situation.  Exactly.  And is that so wrong, either?  Is one way better than the other?  Why expend worthless energy pushing around sand one way instead of the other?  Especially when I don’t think I know how.

You say I am self-centered.  You say I am so very often offended, which leaves me feeling isolated.  This could very well be true, although I claim that since I am everyone, I am self-centered about everyone, and consider myself just as valuable as any other being, which is very.  Of course, I do always see things from my perspective.  You say, although I am able to find some contentment through my sex life, I feel hopeless to change my problems and difficulties and continue to make the best of what I have.  Yes, I often claim that I find my main source of joy in sex and love… and, my Ganymede, I am afraid I do feel hopeless.  Sorry.  Maybe that means I am broken- I broke my character!- ugh.  But then that just means you’re broken too, and could that be right?

You say I insist my hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but I still need encouragement and support- and you actually claim I am an optimist- but that I will set impossible and unobtainable goals for myself.  I maintain nothing is impossible.  But I do feel a bit unable to do much right now.  And others have told me my goals are impossible.  Many certainly think so.  I get enough help to get by.  Even though I feel this constant duress and suffering, which is, of course, apparently all an illusion.  Still I feel that I never receive the kind of help and encouragement that would help me make headway.  Perhaps this is fine, because only I myself can help myself- or maybe that’s the way you want it anyway.  Such thoughts are unpleasant, you know.
You say I have been extremely disappointed in the past and look at life with disgust and hopelessness.  Gosh, especially since I have apparently impossible dreams I am helpless to realize in present reality, guh. <_<

You say I need a break and a chance to recover in a worry-free environment because I am disappointed and let down, and feel there is no point in making new goals as they will leave me feeling the same way.  Again, comfort seems an impossibility even if I know it is not- I do indeed see little point in doing anything.  I only have vague notions now.

You say I am unable to accept my entirety, which leads me to act out in an aggressive and resentful way- and that, feeling a lack of energy, I do not wish to be involved in further activity or give in to demands- and that at the same time I feel powerless, causing stress, agitation, and irritation- and I demand things go my way.  Unfortunately, I do have huge problems accepting my entirety.  I wish I could control myself more in my response and not be so aggressive, but I do feel resentful- and so, I so often forget to let go of an attack rather than return the attack and thereby hurt myself.  And… yes, we’ve been over this powerless, helpless thing.  And we’ve gone over my apathy (for which I have been judged, as well!).  You do pile it on, don’t you?

Sigh.  Even if all of this may seem like a schload of vague boxes, Luken and I both agree that this is in many ways accurate.  And, while I’m fine with being a layabout, as I have given up on caring much about what it is that I do, I do still have my preferences.  Like I said, our egos want love, protection, and survival.  And so I hope for favorable impressions as do most… but I should not have to do that.  I am still me, after all.  A very disappointed me.  I suppose I wish I could function however I desire without worrying about others in the meantime- or, apparently, this world in which I keep waking up.  I used to think about that a lot.  It was only when I was about twenty two that I even started losing the delusion of hope for such things as not being here… and what disparity there is between reality and my, as Luken calls it, “wishing the air were blue” or whatever.  Well.  Here we are.

So I suppose the whole point of this discussion of judgment and my subsequent ennui is this:  I must love myself rather than hurt myself, if I desire love, since I am totality.  I do know this too:  I am perfectly capable of making the decision to meet the judgment with acceptance and transformation and diffusion, within myself and for myself, and only externally at the expense of my ego- so it doesn’t mean I’ll be happy.  It just means I’ll be doing what’s right.  So long as I can fucking remember.  Yeah, I know I’m supposed to know myself and I should be completely satisfied therein or whatever- I’m just not a very good parent for myself.

On to another topic.  I have been trying the past few days to think of some obstacles I have overcome that I enjoyed overcoming.  It is very difficult to think of such things.  Perhaps it is that my life has been easy and few things ever presented a challenge.  Perhaps it is that on the rare occasion challenge does enter my life I fail.  And then lastly I suppose it would be that, even if I were to succeed, if it were truly a good and challenging example… I unfailingly have an awful time and resent the whole damn thing.  The obstacles in a video game = fun, but they’re hardly challenging.  Life = no fun for me.  Of course, since I have been trying to learn how to accept, I have tried to view life as a challenge which is supposed to be fun and exciting.  While, by now, I accept that I am supposed to be here and that this is my destiny so long as I remain, I still remember the pain from my past and judge the present… this leaves an undercurrent of displeasure within me, even as I attempt to accept.

If I could accept everything without judging… well, I am not sure how possible that is, even though I think nothing is impossible.  I just don’t know how it could jive with the present situation.  Still, there is no way to be sure that future challenges will not be enjoyable (and as I keep reminding myself hopefully, “enjoyable because they are my destiny”), but I am still not comfortable with the past, and I don’t know that I ever will be.  And as for the present- the air is still not “blue”.  Will I ever be able to forgive either myself or God?  I don’t know.  And I still feel the displeasure in the present- I just have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to do so.  Ganymede, you and I are still dancing our dances, however constrained, I remind myself.  And maybe that will help me to accept.

January 25, 2010 Part Two:  In Which I Act Like a Total Fucking Dweeb who Thinks She Needs a Man to Complete Herself

Wouldn’t you have guessed it, Ganymede?  The moment I finished the draft I just posted for Part I today- I finished it late last night and left it for the morning for review- Luken and I went to go get some breakfast.  And on the way, of course you gave me the opportunity to test out my ability to be okay with judgment.  And I must say- I didn’t like it.  Luken and I were discussing the nature of obstacles… we were going about it in different ways.  I presume he found disgust with my position and then he proceeded to call me all manner of names and direct all manner of curses at me.  I tried so very hard to stay quiet and not return any attacks.  But oh, he was so insistent!  He was shouting them at me for very nearly an hour.  I finally could not take it anymore- he was receding from me into a position of utter hatred for me, and shoving me away from him in every way possible.  I gave up my attempt to just be quiet and diffuse.  I attempted to bridge the gap between us, though I tried to stay conscious of every word I spoke.  It did not work immediately, and I was left to weep myself to sleep, reminded that you could tear the rug out from underneath me at any moment.  And the prospect of that depresses me to a degree that is even more dysfunctional than now.  I already had problems getting out of bed and making myself do something- if I were to lose Luken, as so extreme an occurrence had me sadly pondering though it was certainly not reality, I do not know what I would do.  Perhaps you want me to consider that.  Well, I can tell you it sure doesn’t make me happy.  Perhaps you want me to be able to accept whatever future I would have without him.  Right now, so far as I am concerned, that is a non-future.  And as it does not exist… it does not exist :)  Ah, magic.

It is not that I do not want to accept… if I accept, that makes it acceptable!  But I cannot accept when I am unhappy- I can only accept myself and try to love if I may, even if only in vague increments.  At this point in my life, if I were to lose Luken, how could I possibly accept reality?  It would be even more unacceptable than now, and to such an extreme degree that I honestly do not know what I would do beyond spending the rest of my life (hopefully a short life) in a stupor.  Yes, the thought of my fragile ego exposed to everything it hates most, lack of love, and judgment on all fronts- that bothers me too.  But what bothers me more is that I would have lost everything I dreamed of, everything that I wanted to exist- I would have finally lost the last scrap of joy I have in this reality.  What is existence without joy?  Just a burden.  A vat of sand I slough through only because it forces me to do so.  And I do not want that to be my existence.

So thank you for the apology he offered this afternoon when he woke me.  And for the yoga we did afterward.  At least with him, I have hope of some joy in life in this present moment.

Boy, is facing demons ever exhausting.  I did that in those moments, and later in reflection.  I am thankful for Luken… I am thankful that we have a home and clothes in the city… I am thankful that we can afford to eat… I am thankful we have heat and electricity… I am thankful for the date I had last night with Luken watching a piece of priceless Dionysian history before our eyes- bittersweet as it was I am thankful I saw it- and I am thankful for the beer and the tasty pizza afterward, and I am thankful for the moments you hold me in your embrace, Ganymede.  Is one really supposed to examine the prospect of losing something for which one is thankful quite like that?  It reminds me of my opinion of obstacles in general.  I know that God tears apart people all the time.  So what did I gain by facing that?  Yes, I am thankful.  But I still have all the undercurrent frothing.

So that brings us to… what?  Forgiveness?  I want Luken to forgive me, yet it seems as though he cannot.  This afternoon, I forgave him so very easily.  I knew it was the right thing to do… yet it does not mean I have forgotten.  And I know that w e have discussed how I cannot forget a lot of my past- oh, why do we use memories the way we do?  I do not need to hang on to all of these!  And there are others I would rather have in clearer detail.  Another reflection of my perception of reality- why all the bad parts and not more of the good?  I project this judgment on my life, I should think.  I am well aware of why one seeks out duality and light and dark and happy movies and sad movies… but I am left with, again, all this frothy undercurrent.

Do you want me to forgive you for that?  It is just that if you continue to have your way with what I must forgive, I always, constantly need to forgive, because the undercurrent is constantly there.  Is that kind of constant forgiveness… worth it?  Everything seems to point to that, of course.  It doesn’t change reality, so is that what you really want, my forgiveness?  If that’s what you want, it’s not as though you come out and ask for it- you come out and knock me down or something.

I know that the most effective weapon against demons is love- and I suppose forgiveness is a part of that.  So I can only hope that a forgiving attitude would defeat your attack and transmute it into something we both find agreeable. Yet, because of the notion it might not do so and might even make me suffer further, I could leave you unforgiven and even a sort of unloved in the most awful moments.  Thus my forgiveness is inherently incomplete as a result. I would love to forgive you- I just don’t want to suffer for it.  Who would choose an eternity of worse torment?  That is what I fear.  And there is no room in this fear for love, so my forgiveness must be incomplete if that is what you want.  How would you like me to keep up the forgiveness, then?  I really wish I could.  But when I suffer, I feel I have made the wrong move!  You must see that.  There must be something we aren’t doing, dear Ganymede.  But we’ll keep going.

1 comment:

  1. I really liked the comments you made about love vs. ego. That really gets my brain working on the selfishness sometimes apparent in good deeds.
    I'm amazed by the density in what seems like philosophical ramblings on your part. Makes it hard to read at points, but don't you go change that... it helps show your intelligence!